The "No" that stayed

I was just supposed to make a list. That morning, my task as an intern was simple: go through the medicine ward, look at the blood tests ordered, collect those samples, label them and send them to the lab. A very routine task that doesn't require too much thought. Tick, tube, label and done. Once finished, I could leave and go ahead with my daily studies. 

I started collecting samples, ticking off names with a sense of satisfaction as I neared the end. Each interaction was brief, same as the previous one and forgettable. Until I reached a thirty-year old woman. 

Her eyes, her skin, the whites of her nails and even the soles of her feet: all of it was yellow. A colour that didn't belong to such a young body. 

I introduced myself and asked for her sample. She refused the blood test. No panic, no protest, no irritation. I noticed a stillness in her voice that felt like it was rehearsed. 

Patients often resist because of the fear of the needle, or the fatigue of being poked three times a day. But her ‘no’ did not come from fear. I asked her why and she didn't answer. 

Her mother sitting next to her said,

"She will only be cured if she gets a new liver. No test can help her now. She is dying and she just wants to go home."

Her voice was still and quick, as if she had repeated this sentence too many times already. 

And suddenly, just like that, my list fell apart. I was a new intern. Still trying to make sense of it all. I tried to convince her. I called my senior resident. We both tried to talk to her and eventually she agreed. 

Not out of hope. She gave in because she was too tired to argue. Too tired to resist. 

There are some fights that don’t end in victory or defeat. They just end.

I drew her blood. What stayed with me wasn't the test. It was the stillness in her eyes. I hated the way a thirty year old sat there with so much calm, accepting the fact that she was dying. 

We often talk about the patients who fight. But I will always remember the ones who chose not to. 

-Anushka Purohit

Intern, Narendra Modi Medical College and Sheth L.G. Hospital, Ahmedabad, India.